Girls will be girls

Here's a post I wrote for The Jamjar in March of last year. In fact, I've found quite a number of posts in Evernote I don't think I've ever published (see #TacoTuesdays). I think I hadn't posted this due to my complete embarrassment of the first line. I doubt that's what I mean but hey, I wrote it.

I’ve not been very attuned to feminism.

As I type that I wonder why not. I have always worked in industries dominated by men; always strived to not stand out as a woman in those areas; grew up with the marketing slogan “Girls can do anything!” 

I guess I had figured feminists had gone before me (done all the hard work); the path was already paved the way for me to work in careers usually associated with men; to have the choices of life and love that I'm privileged to have. Figured the battle was done because I considered, and was considered, to be hired in any field of work. But it seems the battle hasn't been won - it seems it has barely started - and there is still an enormous amount of work yet to do to achieve equality in opportunities, leadership, and renumeration.

This year I’ve been fortunate enough to be accepted into a programme for women in leadership. My cohort include 25 other women at the University where I work. We’ve only just begun our year, but we have goals defined and intentions set. When we last met, it seemed that everyone I spoke with said they were feeling more supported and felt on a firmer footing for the work we’ve already done on the programme - working hard to create the platform from which we will grow and achieve. 

A few weeks ago Alice Eagly spoke as a Distinguished Speaker at the University of Auckland’s Business School. She spoke of the lack of women in senior roles, but also pointed out we still have challenges at all levels, not just up there at the “glass ceiling". That the very words we use as characteristics of a good leader - confidence, authority, toughness - also align themselves closely to how we see men. Women, on the other hand, we see as supportive, nurturing, social.

When women come to a leadership positions, our idea of men align closer to the fit that our idea of women.

But ideas of leadership are changing. Leadership is being seen more of a collaborative, social, relationship-based, transformational set of traits which may, in part, align closer to the way women operate and not in small part because more women are moving into leadership positions.

• "If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
• "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." - Marilyn Monroe
• "A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous." - Coco Chanel
• "One is not born a woman, but becomes one." - Simone de Beauvoir
• "Women have served all these centuries as looking glasses possessing the magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of a man at twice its natural size." - Virginia Woolf
• "Whatever glory belongs to the race for a development unprecedented in history for the given length of time, a full share belongs to the womanhood of the race." - Mary Jane McLeod Bethune
• "Whether women are better than men I cannot say - but I can say they are certainly no worse." - Golda Meir
• "A free race cannot be born of slave mothers." - Margaret Higgins Sanger
• "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."- Maya Angelou
• "Women are the largest untapped reservoir of talent in the world." - Hillary Clinton
• "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness." - Oprah Winfrey
• "I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon." - Ellen DeGeneres
• "Women are leaders everywhere you look -- from the CEO who runs a Fortune 500 company to the housewife who raises her children and heads her household. Our country was built by strong women, and we will continue to break down walls and defy stereotypes." - Nancy Pelosi
• "Women are the real architects of society." - Cher
• "Extremists have shown what frightens them the most: a girl with a book." - Malala Yousafzai

Feeling like a million bucks: priceless

I know a man who makes me feel like a million dollars. When he sees me his face lights up. When he talks to me he makes eye contact, he listens to what I say, he engages in witty and active conversation. He tells me how happy he is to see me. He encourages me to see him again as soon as possible. He makes me feel amazing, and interesting, and adored.

I know a restaurant that makes me feel like a million dollars. When I drop in for dinner, they hug me and make be feel like it's been far too long since I ate there. I always apologise for never having a reservation and they pshaw and say I never need one, that there is always room for me. They settle me down and they bring me food. They check on me throughout the dining experience. They talk to me and listen to what I say. They're cheeky and funny and pose for selfies with me. They make me feel amazing, and interesting, and adored.

I went to a function where the man who makes me feel like a million dollars attended. I watched him with other people: women in particular. I saw him be the same way; he was engaging and witty with everyone. They responded with their full attention. I could see he made all the people he spoke to feel like a million bucks.

I attended a function at the restaurant along with a lot of other 'regulars' (as it turned out) and I saw them being treated the way I was; warm greetings and first-name basis. Eye contact and witty banter. Extra attention and a wonderful dining experience.

At first I was all like: aw man that's stink - it's not just me.

But then I realised: what an awesome skill to make us feel that way. What a fabulous customer experience I have in that restaurant and why the man in question is a fantastic interviewer (and does-so for a living).

In both cases, there is authenticity. There is nothing "fake" in our relationships or the relationships they have with other people. It is definitely a skill that could be stand to be honed in my life. 

Boy oh boy that restaurant is lucky to have found so many staff members who can pull that experience thing off. Boy oh boy I'm pretty lucky to be able to spend time with the man who makes me feel like a million bucks because we all love to feel that way, right?

There is a man I pass most mornings when I walk from the bus to work. He sits outside the 7-11 and asks passers-by for food or money. Well, I should clarify, he *eventually* asks people for food or money. His first contact with most of us is a "good morning" or "have a good day". He moves on to asking what the time is, or wondering what the weather is like. He builds micro-relationships with us all before asking for food or money. 

Sometimes I see people dropping coins into his hat or beer tray or bucket - which ever he's using on the day - and sometimes I see people handing him cups of coffee or pies or fruit. 

Here's the thing though: he pours the coffee across the footpath if he's doesn't want it. I've seen him throwing the apples and oranges people have given him into the road trying to hit cars - he's got a pretty good arm. It's money he wants, not the other stuff, and he manipulates us into giving it to him.

I don't feel he's not authentic - he doesn't really need what he's asking for - he makes me feel negative feelings about him and about myself.