Lot of life has happened this June and mostly, I've been relearning it.
What that means is that I'm coming to grips with who I am because I'm a little bit different than I was before the medical event* I experienced at the end of May.
Health and life
I've had to relearn some information, including a lot of people. I had misplaced the information of some people's faces and names. Nowadays it's mostly just names and once I have them reintroduced to me, I'm good.
Every day I'm better than the day before. It would be simplistic to say I'm "back to normal". It's more realistic to say that I'm "better able to think again" though I'm still not at the speed I was in May. I reckon I'm at about 80-90% which is so much better than 40-50% of a few weeks ago.
Many people have said to me "Wow, that must've been so scary," when they hear the news I've had a seizure and, to be honest, it wasn't scary. Mostly because I can't remember it. So the actual *event* is a fact I know without any emotion attached to it. It was scary for my family and friends, and that makes me quite emotional.
What *is* scary for me is that a) it affected my memory and b) it might happen again.
To be fair, because it's "memory" I blissfully don't know what I don't know until I'm confronted with some information. As I interact with people and they say "remember such-and-such" and I realise that, actually, I don't. I don't remember the concert; I don't remember the graduation; I don't remember that holiday in Australia; I don't remember I like HabitualFix food; I don't remember where Onehunga is. It's random, and it's strange, and it's not as bad today as it was a few weeks ago, but situations still reveal small things I don't know.
And the question I also ask myself is, who am I if I'm not my memories? Is having a good time in-the-moment the point enough if I don't carry a memory to reflect on at a later point? That's being dramatic because I can remember everything (mostly) since the seizure, just a few things that happened in the months before the seizure are missing. But what if I have another one: a big one. And it wipes lots more away? Who am I then? A blank slate/a shaken etch-a-sketch? That scares me.
Any-who; I have medication and it's working. How do I know it's working? I was having lots of deja vu episodes which I no longer experience. They are often referred to "in the literature" as simple focal seizures and my doctor suggests they have gone because the medicine is working. They also would potentially predict a stronger episode and would be a warning to me before anything worse happened.
And so far, number of deja vu episodes = zero. So that's a fantastic sign.
I miss driving though.
I'm not allowed to drive for 12 months and my lovely little Mini is sitting in the driveway. I need to depend on Public Transport and the kindness of family to get around these days. Apart from the (at times) inconvenience, I just plain *miss* driving.
Oh and my taste-buds have changed. Because I bit my tongue so bad I destroyed a whole chunk of my taste buds (this is my theory) so I'm relearning food too. Tastes I liked before, no longer taste the same and in many cases: not as good. I seem to have lost my "bass notes" if food has such things which is annoying and so relearning food is another journey I'm going to need to tackle next.
A creative person
I consider myself a creative person. Which is quite cheeky of me given I hardly EVER do anything creative.
Now if that was you saying that to me I'd probably smack you so let me qualify it a little more.
I love to draw and paint things and that is what I haven't prioritised in my life for a long time.
I do create every day by solving problems, designing solutions, drawing sketchnotes in meetings and thinking things through. So I am creative in my every day life, but I want a more tactile creative outlet.
I want more drawing; more painting; more writing.
There is no reason I can't do more. I have room in my life for such activities, including the tools required and the skills to carry out such things. Seems to me I don't prioritise this kind of creative endeavour and that's the actual problem.
So I'm aiming to try harder. Like properly make an effort and share the output with you. As a very, very small start I'm going to upload #illustrationFriday here on the blog - hehe even as I type this I think "don't tell anyone so they won't know when you fail at this too."
But there, I told you. So Britomart was the first wee sketch I did on Friday, and let's see if I can make it two in a row by next Friday.
*Sounds dramatic no matter how I refer to it - mostly because it kinda was, I 'spose.