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Sooooooo...
What makes you feel guilty?
It's such a shitty feeling, isn't it? It comes along when I've done something I know is wrong, unfair, or mean. And fair enough - don't want to have any positive reinforcement for being a dick.
But what if my emotional wires are crossed - if I do my best, give my all, work hard and go the extra mile after mile - and still feel guilty? What's up with that?
Lately I've been pulling some long hours. Working days off, weekends, late into the night. Cancelling dinners, sleepovers, lunches with friends - focusing my whole life on one project outcome and still feeling guilty about the hours I'm wasting by going home and sleeping.
That's screwed up, isn't it?
So that's been my life for the last weeks and weeks. Working hard, sleeping poorly, running on empty, feeling guilt that I can't work 24/7 - which is completely misappropriated emotion and yet, there it is, sick in my stomach.
With a bit of sleep and a good meal or two, I think my feeling of guilt was mistaken for exhasution. I'm still tired to my bones, but not feeling guilty anymore. My wires did get a bit crossed, and I'm still running with a pretty empty tank, but it'll fill up as the days progress and care is taken. Thank you for your kind attentions.