Traveling in Auckland can be a bit daunting. No matter if you are using a car, a bike, public transport or Shanks' Pony, these few tips will help you "fit in" and look like you were born in the City of Sails:
- One person per car
- Stop and wait for a gap-in-the-traffic when using a Motorway "on" ramp
- Go Faster when faced with an amber light - speed up the longer it's illuminated, floor it when the light turns red
- Follow too close when it rains (though it never rains in Auckland)
- Never indicate
- Eat cheese and onion toasted sandwiches before boarding a crowded bus/train/ferry
- Eat dry noodles and spray them all over your seat - leave for the next passenger to deal with
- Don't keep to the left while walking
- If you are from another, populous country, walk at least half the speed of anyone else
- Do not walk in a straight line
- Walk perpendicular to the foot traffic - don't worry, they'll get out of your way for fear of falling over
- If you are from another, populous country, and you need to exit a public toilet after you and your friends have occupied all the cubicles for an incredulous amount of time, yelling to each other from inside said cubicles, stop just outside the main door upon exiting and talk to your friends some more - take your time and note that everyone waiting half in and half out the door trying to leave the public restrooms are either invisible to you or of no consequence whatsoever
- If you are from another, populous country, stand in the middle of the pavement looking vaguely into space in peak time pedestrian traffic - don't do this alone, you will require between 8 and 12 of your friends to help make a solid obsticle. (NOTE: Make sure you all stare vaguely in different directions so as not to cause English people to think you're a queue and "join in")
- If you are a young woman, wear 30-50% less clothes than the weather suggests
- If you are a young man, wear clothes 30-50% larger than required
- If you are a young woman, walk slower than the rest of the traffic but not as slowly as people from another, populous, country - it helps to txt while you are walking to obtain the correct pace
- Wear black, grey, brown - esp. at night while trying to cross a poorly lit road
- On no account EVER wear a raincoat - ESPECIALLY in the rain (though it never rains in Auckland)
- One person per car!!
- Tour d'France lycra (with matching helmet and Olympic-grade bicycle shoes) to be worn when riding a bicycle
- When crossing at a "barn dance" crossing (ie: + intersection when all pedestrians cross the street at the same time, including diagonally) change your mind half way across and stop. This will cause people to rear-end each other (and not in a good way) and twist their ankles at the sudden change of pace/direction. See "follow too closely in the rain" (above) NOTE: this is a difficult manuovre and shouldn't be attempted by anyone who has been in Auckland more than half a day
- Never make eye contact with *anyone*
- Never say hello
- Never make eye contact or say hello to anyone *talking to themselves*
- ONE PERSON PER CAR!
