Winter

Winter is coming and my world is cooling. I am inside. Inside the house. Inside myself. I am feeling the need of a cave; a hiding place.

Going outside there is a lingering worry that I will bump into someone I know. Someone I knew from before: before I moved away. Before five years ago. Before, when I was dumb, and immature, and not me. Now I am still dumb and immature, but more me than I've ever been before. I controlled my panic last night: slept on it, as they say. It does make a difference. Today I woke with a fresh head, and a better outlook - did what I could - and will deal with the rest later. Not everyone's mistakes are mine to fix. I can do my best to fix my own - but that's only on a good day and generally, most people do way less than that.

So the thinking - the thinking needs to take a rest for a couple of days to get a firm handle on that panicky feeling: I do need a job: but I don't need to think about it right now. I do need money: but I don't need to think about that right now either. What I will concentrate on is drawing every day in May - and writing 750 words every day in May - and walking, every day in May.

I hesitated with the last sentence because it is cold outside and I want to stay inside.

What am I going to do when I grow up? this question is presented to a person once every fifty years, and I need to be ready with my answer. If I knew I couldn't fail, would I draw every day? If I knew people would still like me, would I put my work out there for sale? for judgement? Holy heck, can I even draw? I have this attitude that my ability to draw and paint is like a damned spring just waiting to be tapped into. To flow with lines and colour, effortlessly and completely match the vision of the artwork in my head. But what if the spring has dried up and there is nothing there? Or the water quality is contaminated? Or what if I'm one of those people who think they can sing but can't - but with drawing instead? What if I'm so deluded I can't even see that? These are my worry warts, and they are always telling me to beware, to be cautious, to be afraid. They're nodding as I share this because they say "Yes, you should be afraid. It's the sensible thing to be."

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."

Wayne Gretzky

A woman contacted me after the Pinhole Camera workshop. She wondered if I would be interested in trading her services for mine. She does homeopathy and I do drawing - could I draw some flowers for her blog? Could she Bach Flower Remedy me out of my own head, out of my own fears and insecurities? I don't even believe in that stuff - maybe I could trade my drawings for an honest assessment of my talents. For a benchline for what it's like to work with me? Maybe a sketch for a reality check?

But would I ever cash it?

Rest in Peace, PJ

Pat and Eva Lawlor

My Grandad died on Friday 8 June 2012. He was in his ninety-sixth year.

Even though he's had cancer for more than a decade - becoming increasingly frail over the last few months; needing more and more physcial care - I still thought he'd be around for weeks, even a couple more months. 

But no, he died on Friday. Peacefully, without pain, without struggle and surrounded by the darling people who have cared for him all these last months.

We buried him on Thursday, and now we carry on without him in our lives.

My mother has had the priviledge of a father for over 70 years. I have had the luxury of a Grandfather for nearly 50 years. My children, a Great Grandfather, and her children a Great, Great Grandfather.

Not a lot of families can say that. We were very lucky.

New Routine: Reading Challenge

I used to devour books. An appetite for science fiction and fantasy novels meant new shelves continuously being constructed to hold my ever-growing collection of paperbacks.

The internet is not entirely to blame for my loss of appetite but reading fiction certainly fell away after I discovered it.

And then, more than a decade or so later, I bought a Kindle. It's the most wonderful piece of kit. I am reading again. The tipping point was that the Kindle can sync with my other devices: my iPhone, my laptop, and any computer with internet access via the Kindle Cloud Reader too. So I have access to my library, and can read any of my books anywhere I go. No more broken ribs from carrying too many books in my bag!

Although I am reading, I still I feel that I'm a sluggish reader. Back in the day I could read an entire novel in 8-10 hours. Now it takes me ages. I've never got the hang of 'skim' reading and will read every single word. Between my reading speed, and the lack of a routine, it can take me months to finish one book. Which would be okay - because reading is enjoyable - but I have a ton of books I want to read, so need to pick up my pace:  so what to do?

Poking around online I came across Julian Smith's blog post about how he read a book per week in a year. How cool would that be? He read 40 pages per day (15%) and finished most average-sized books within the seven days.

For me, that means to read a good hour per day. Half an hour before bedtime, two 15 blocks during the day? Quite achievable for me, I'd say - just need to make it a routine and watch the book pile shrink!

So here I am talking about it, my Kindle on the charger for tonight, and a warm glow at the thought of completing Sir Ken Robinson's The Element: How finding your passion changes everything way sooner than I would normally take.

What are you reading at the moment? Fancy joining me in my 15%/40 pages per day reading challenge?

Don't Break the Chain

The best way to create a new routine is to do it at the same time, for the same amount of time, every day. Miss a day and the chain will become weaker, or maybe break entirely. To keep track of my days, and to encourage the routine every day, I'm printing off this calendar and crossing off each day I succeed at my goal.