grace·ful/ˈgrāsfəl/ Adjective: Having or showing grace or elegance.

High-heeled shows coupled with low peripheral vision saw me stuck in a storm water grate while trying to get into a taxi this week.

While it may be the first time this particular scenario has played out for me - the concept of me being dorky is nothing new. This may come as a surprise to many of you who know me through my seamless, socially lubricated blogging - but I'm a bit of a mess when it comes to navigating my body through the four dimensions commonly referred to as "Life".

If I wear white (or light coloured) clothing, I will drop food or slop red wine across it; if there is a step in the floor between the lounge area and the bar area, I will fall over it; if there are any objects close to the edge of a table, I will send them smashing to the floor with one hip, and clearing the rest of the objects not knocked with my secondary "flurry of OMGod'ing" which enevitably follows.

I have fallen off every form of public transport I have ever used: tram, train, bus, ferry (twice). I slip, fall, tumble, crash and drop all the time. Friends will often describe the experience as "she was there one minute, and gone the next!" I have spat liquid onto companions (not in a good way), knocked glasses over (sometimes not even on my table), I have lost count of the numbers of times I've sent cutlery flying across the room (that stuff is always clattery). I have knocked glasses off people's faces; stood on toes; accidentally touched strangers bottoms; called my own boss the wrong name THREE TIMES this year alone.

This morning as I sat down on the bench seat on the tram, pinning the person next to me to the seat by the edge of her coat I was sitting on I finally decided on the word that encompasses all my bumbling, uncoordinated, nervous, dorky behaviours.

Gracelessness

grace·less/ˈgrāslis/ Adjective: Lacking grace, elegance, or charm.

I made a list of all the things I am that contribute to this description:

• loud
• spatially unaware
• blind
• self absorbed
• duck-footed
• poor memory
• over weight
• pushy
• short attention span
• poor thought processes

 

Don't get excited - I'm not going to take each list item and do anything about it - not going to suddenly enroll in dance classes to somehow get my body to work in conjunction with my mind. No, this is more like:

• Best Case Scenario: proof that I am aware of the cause of my gracelessness.
• Worst Case Scenario: evidence of early-onset motor neuron disease (or some other bacterial infection reason that isn't my fault)

 

I just want you to know that I am aware of the situation.

Get by with a little help from my whatsits

So I'm half way in the taxi, half way out: shoe wedged tightly in the storm water grate.

I kept thinking it would just pop out when I lifted my foot but no: my foot kept lifting from the firmly trapped shoe. Thankfully (for me, not him) a work colleague knealt on the damp road to gently take my cankle in his hands and gently pulled the shoe as I lifted my foot to free me from this unfortunate, but ultimately typical situation.