How to Appear Incompetent - a Lesson in Transmogrification from RGB to CMYK

Send the Printer a pdf of the file you want printed and ask for a quote for 100 copies.
Receive the quote within 3 minutes. [now that's service]
Call to confirm quote - send confirmation by email.
Printer asks you to supply file with "bleed [which you know about] and crop marks [which you don't know about]"
Ask Printer about how to do crop marks - he asks if the pdf is high resolution, you say it is, he says "that's great, we'll handle the crop marks".
Printer promises print run to be complete by 9am next day [amazing service for this time of year]

Awesome.

Printer calls to say the Font hasn't embedded in the pdf, could I embed it and resend.
I can't embed it because I don't know how - so break text *apart*, pdf the file and send.

Hope that works.

Printer calls - no good [must look like shit] could I send the original files [this printer is amazingly patient and polite]
zip files and ftp to website - send URL to printer
Printer calls - he's downloaded the files ok but they won't open - they might be corrupt - maybe i could just email them
recompiles the files [to be safe] zips and emails them to Printer [completely aware of what a WALLY i must appear by now.

Now I'm waiting for him to call to say that doesn't work either so I can burn them onto a disk and take them over to him by hand. He's patient and friendly and is giving amazing service - he just doesn't realise he's talking to an RGB girl in a CMYK world.

At least i'm multitasking - while waiting to find out my files to print won't work, i'm waiting to hear from a client about how my program - delivered on Monday - isn't writing to a database - even though it does for me.

but wait.. there's more
Printer called, could I break apart the text and send the files as .eps
Breaks apart fonts, sends as .eps
Printer calls back - no go - the stupid fon with the stupid german name [there's always a german somewhere] is the problem, the Arial font is ok though
I change the fonts to a normal old Arial and Arial bold, break apart the text, send through to a very tired printer and hope that does the trick.