The way to my heart is NOT by sending a dozen crude text jokes (and I use "joke" loosely) I don't know who you are but.. you're txting up the wrong mobile. *not even dignifying it with a hand crafted return fuckoff.txt*

Telemarketer: Good evening Michelle. You've been helpful in the past with market research, and I was hoping you'd have a spare few minutes this evening to answer a few questions for us. Me: ah, sure, okay. Telemarketer: That's wonderful Michelle. In the last election, may I ask, where did you place your Party vote? Me: ah, Labour. Telemarketer: Okay. Now, if the election was held today, where would you place your Party vote? Me: ah, Labour. Telemarketer: Okay. Now, I need to ask, have you or anyone in your household worked in either the teaching or the architectual industries? Me: ah, yes. Telemarketer: Okay, who in your household has worked in those industries? Me: ah, I have. Telemarketer: So, you're a teacher? Me: ah, no: I *teach* at a local community college. Telemarketer: Right, and who in your household has worked in the architectual industry? Me: That would be me, again. Telemarketer: Oh, so you're an *architect*? Me: No, I used to work in the architectual industry - I don't anymore. Telemarketer: Right. Okay Michelle. Now what I'd like you to do is name for me all the things you can do with a rubber band. Me: a rubber band? Telemarketer: That's right, name all the things you can do with a rubber band, and I will time you and see how many you get. Are you ready? Begin. Me: a rubber band. You can stretch it. You can bundle things together with it. You can ping it at people. You can tie your hair back with it. You can join them together to make a rubber band chain. You can make a rubber band ball. You can write on them with biro. You can stick them to stuff. You can put them into peoples sandwiches so they don't know til they eat one. You can chew them. you can.. Telemarketer: whoa whoa Michelle you have so many *answers* Me: oh, that's not what you wanted? Telemarketer: Yes, yes that's what I wanted but I have struggled in the past to get people to answer more than three! Me: ah well, I spend a lot of time with rubberbands I guess. Telemarketer: May I ask, if you or anyone in your household has worked or does work in the IT industry. Me: ah yes, I have. Telemarketer: I thought you were a teacher? Me: I teach at night at a community college, I work during the day with computers creating online content, that's part of the IT industry. Telemarketer: Okay. May I ask, do you or anyone in your household work in the Telecommunications industry? Me: ah, that'll be me again. Telemarketer: Goodness Michelle. How many jobs do you have? Me: well, about 4 at the moment and when you phoned I was sorting out which Uni papers to pick up this semester - so I'm kindof busy. Telemarketer: Okay Michelle, I would like you to rate the following people on a scale of one to ten - one being that you do not like them at all, ten being that you like them very much okay? Me: Okay. Telemarketer: Don Brash. Me: ahh.. Telemarketer: so on a scale of one to ten. Me: um.. I don't know. Telemarketer: so a five? Me: No, um.. well.. I don't know who he is. Telemarketer: You don't know who Don Brash is? Me: Well naturally I know he's a politician. and Um.. I have heard of him but ah.. I don' t know what he looks like and I don't know what he does. Telemarketer: ... Me: Can't you ask me some more rubber band questions? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time this evening Michelle. Me: bye.

He said, I can't believe I told you that I said, I'm glad you did He said, I knew you were a deviant I said, you hit the nail on the head He said, she may be younger than you I said to myself, and prettier and thinner He said, but you have the power I said nothing He said, my heart hurts I said, feel every inch of it He said, it doesn't hurt as much as last time I said, pain is pain - it always fucking hurts He said, every emotion is important I said, he was right He said, it's over I said it's not over til it's over He said he liked Gameboy I said I couldn't play it for nuts He said that's really cool I said I couldn't find the right pen He said he said to always be yourself I said what he said wasn't necessarily true He said what would you say I said follow your heart He said see you Monday I said probably Monday week He said, you're going to shine I said I'm sorry I wrote on your arm He said, don't be; I liked it.